Being lied to and let down sucks. If you say you’re going to do something follow through with it, so at least I don’t get my hopes up for nothing.

Just one of those Nights.

Do you ever have those nights where you just break down and cry? Cry because you’re afraid. Afraid of growing up and leaving everything that you know behind. Cry because you’re sad. Sad because you found out something that you really didn’t want to hear. Cry because you’re ugly. Ugly, flawed, imperfect, hideous, dull…the list of adjectives you could use to describe yourself goes on and on. Cry because you’re upset. Upset because things were finally looking up and now nothing seems to be going your way. Cry because you’re confused. Confused because you just realized that you’re no longer good enough, not wanted anymore, and you don’t know why. Everything hurts and I don’t know what to do. I guess it’s just one of those nights.

Smelyalata.

I wanted to write something here, for someone I know used to read this. I want to string together a piece of writing that incorporates every emotion I can summon, I want my sincerity to ring through. In this, I want to allow my guard to fall, to admit how lost I am. Yet, I cannot move past the paralyzing fear that it would go ignored. That I would print it off and run up to you with a small smile. Read this, I’d say, I miss you. You’d look at me, confused. In that writing, would be the very core of my vulnerability, the kind that I have shown few people before. Brutal honesty and crushing admissions, I would pour my heart into each tiny letter in a sea of words. You know how hard this would be for me, you know how I feel about being weak. The next day, you would confront me. The scene would happen one of two ways. In the first, you tell me I am a selfish bitch. Looking me dead in the eye, you show a rare rage. Fuck you, you would spit, stop angsting. A slap in the face by your verbal assertion, I would stagger back. Then, turning away, I would run in tears. The second scenario involves you walking up to me. That is nice writing, you might complement, but here is how to improve it. Handing back my heartfelt attempt to explain that I need you, I would see many red marks mocking my attempts to get my point across. You revise my cry for help, I cannot even communicate how much I miss you accurately. Regardless of either scenario, you would then look at the clock. I have to go, you quickly comment, bustling off and leaving me with my amplified frustration.

For these reasons, I refuse to write down what I want to say to you. We used to be so close, but lately you have been so distracted. I watch you fall away, I reach instinctively for you, but there is simply a cold place where you once were. I scream into the night, but you never come. I need/needed you, I whisper to the silence. There is no response. On some nights, I regret pushing you so hard. If I had stepped back, nothing would have happened. You would still talk deeply to me, I could still depend on you. When you two are close, you have no room for anyone else. I miss you, but I am slowly beginning to think I am losing you. Slipping from my hands, you shake me off, as if to tell me no. I do not need you anymore, I have found something better. Let me be, your mannerisms scream. Fine. I miss you. I need you. I want you to listen. Whatever, your eyes will not read this, nor will your ears even hear the hurt I feel. Forget me, but realize that when the happiness is over, I might be gone.

I miss you.

Not Like the Movies.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of the fact that I’m alone. Every single close friend of mine is in a relationship, and all of them have the most amazing boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong, I like all of them and they’re all really great guys, but I want to slap every single one of them across the face for making me have these false hopes and expectations to be in a relationship like theirs, to have a boyfriend who will treat me like they treat my friends. I’m not new to being the only single one in the group, I’m sure that’s been the case for a long while now. But with the holidays that just passed and hearing about the beautiful Tiffany necklaces, spontaneous trips to Disney Land, and all the excitement and nervousness my friends got to experience trying to pick the perfect Christmas presents for their boyfriends is making me jealous as fuck. And don’t even get me started on New Years Eve. I was, once again, left to do nothing but awkwardly stand there as the ball dropped and wait for my annoyingly adorable couple friends to kiss each other and share yet another obnoxiously romantic experience together. All I want is for someone to hold my hand, to feel comfortable bringing me around his family, to kiss me just because he feels like it, and to surprise me with cute dates. But most of all I just want someone to want to be with me, is that too much to ask? Apparently.

White Man Overbite.

God, I miss you. More than you could ever imagine. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve gotten into my car to come over and see you, hug you, tell you I’m sorry for everything and that I never want to fight again. But then, I stop myself. What would I even say? What is there to say? I don’t even know if you’re missing me, too. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Today especially, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. You are the best friend I have ever had. It’s like we weren’t even friends, we were family. I wrote this a couple of months ago, “My best friend is Chloe. We are best friends because we are both weird as fuck, we understand each other, care more about the other than ourselves, and always have a good time. I have never met another person I would want to become ‘blood sisters’ with, and then later pussy out because we didn’t want to cut ourselves open and decide to become ‘burn sisters’ instead, and then later pussy out because we didn’t want to burn ourselves. We are best friends because she bought me flowers on our first date, jammed tissues in her pocket when we went ice skating when she was sick, comes to my house just so we can shave our legs together, puts up with my bullshit, and has been there for me ever since that day we were strangers and were forced to share a mathbook four years ago in eighth grade. Actually, I wouldn’t say that we’re best friends. We’re sisters.” And when I saw you on Halloween stumbling around with your boyfriend and asked you if you were okay after not speaking for weeks, and the first words out of your mouth when you saw me were “I miss you!” I kind of fell apart inside, knowing that we probably would still not talk after that night. Here we are, both missing each other, but being too stubborn to do anything about it. So this is me reaching out, nothing about the way I feel towards you has changed. I love you more than anything, more than myself. You are the one who can make me laugh until I can no longer breathe, until tears pour out from my eyes, until some sort of beverage comes out of my nose, or until I end up peeing my pants. Nobody understands me the way you do, no one has our sense of humor. Nobody could ever replace you as my best friend. I just need to know, are you missing me too? I’m sorry for everything.

Je t’aime, mon frère.

Frustration.

I am so sick. Sick of people, school, family, friends, life. What have I done to deserve everything that’s been dragging me down lately? For starters, I am currently lacking a best friend. We are both at fault for this, I’ll admit that, but we’re also both too hard-headed to do anything about it (or at least I am), which probably won’t be changing anytime soon. And then on top of that, I’m sick of the other really good friends that I have. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of them with my whole heart, but after repeatedly telling them how much of a shitty day I’ve been having and how pissed off I am, it would be the considerate thing to do to not make it worse. I understand that they were just messing around with me but there comes a point where it goes too far. I mean yeah, the first time they made fun of me was funny, but after the seventh, eighth, ninth time wouldn’t you think they could tell how it was affecting me? I don’t see how they couldn’t, considering I had other people coming up to me and asking me if I was okay. It just sucks when your closest friends don’t seem to care about your feelings. Second, my time of playing soccer is coming to an end with only a couple of weeks left until my last club game ever, which brings up two points. The first being about my coach. In all of the years that I’ve played soccer I’ve had many different coaches and team experiences, but this one has been my favorite by far. My coach was the best. Nice, funny, actually cared about us. There was a point when he would have done anything for each and every one of us, but now he’s gone. Complete and total abandonment after what, eight years of coaching this team? I know I’ve only been a part of the team for two of those years, but it was enough time to become a family. I know he thought of us as family as well, which is why I am at a loss for words as to why he would leave us with five games left in our last season ever. My teammates and I have lost so much respect for him, which is a shame. I think the saddest part about that is that just before he left, we were all talking about how much we loved him and what a great coach he’s been and how we wanted to get him a kickass present to show how much we appreciate all that he’s done for us. Now what? It will be interesting to see how things end between all of us when season is over. Next, my teammates. Like I said, we’re a family. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them, which Is probably foolish considering that after season ends I’ll probably never have contact with most of them ever again. Lately, the lack of effort has really been a letdown. I know that nobody wants to be there anymore, which I understand because I feel that way sometimes too, but when only six people show up to practice when you have a team of 15 girls, something isn’t right. We have three games left until the very end of our club soccer careers. Three. That’s only two more weeks until this is all over, would it really kill any of them to maybe show a little effort at practice? Maybe I just feel differently than all of them, but I definitely did not devote fourteen years of my life to soccer for it to end this way. I just wish the girls who don’t want to be there or don’t like soccer anymore would just suck it up for the next couple of weeks and do it for each other. After all this time, we deserve it from one another. It’s really frustrating when you seem to be one of the few people actually trying and taking practice seriously. Third, my parents need to get off my back. All they do is nag at me and complain about me. I’m so sick of hearing their voices. And tonight, when I was already in the worst mood possible, they decide to criticize me about my school work and grades. I have a fucking 4.0, what in the world do you have to complain about? Nothing. And when you attacked me with non-stop screaming and told me to get my shit together because I’m in “the bottom third of my class,” I wanted to slap you. Are you an idiot? It clearly states on my transcript, which is what you were going off of, that I am in the TOP third of my class. You have absolutely no right to tell me that I don’t put any effort into anything, especially when I get as good of grades as I do, was INVITED to be in the National Honors Society, and have been committed to soccer for fourteen years, play on a gold team, and made Varsity my sophomore year. That really shows no effort at all, huh? I have been so stressed out lately, it’s not fair. So stressed and frustrated that I had to pull over while driving home tonight because I couldn’t stop crying. I just wish I had something that I could punch the life out of, or at least someone to talk to.

Who Would Have Thought Forever Could be Severed.

Just so you know, I am going to be complaining quite a bit throughout this post. I am going to write what’s on my mind as it comes to me, and I will not go back and edit or change anything. I’m sorry if this may seem rude or distasteful or if you think differently about anything that I might say, but this is MY side of the story, this is what I feel.

“Friends Forever”, it’s what we’ve always said. What we’ve always (for the most part) stuck to. And after all these years, after everything we’ve gone through, put up with, and got over together, THIS is what’s bringing us down? Let’s start at the beginning. Friday night, we saw a movie. Afterwards you told me you’d text me “early” so I could help you work on your project for video production the next day, and we parted ways. I was awake since at least seven a.m., and I sat around all morning waiting for you to text me and say that you were ready, which didn’t even end up happening until one in the afternoon. I wasted my entire morning waiting on you when I could have been doing things that actually benefitted me, but I didn’t complain. Not when I asked around to all my friends if they had boxing gloves you could use, not when you assumed you could use my camera, not when I had to cancel my plans that I had that day because you took longer than expected, not when I gave you some ideas on things that might look cool in your video, not when I went into public places where I knew people wearing that ridiculous outfit, not even when I stayed with you until like nine p.m. helping you with it. I NEVER complained, and your video ended up looking awesome. You promised to help me the following Saturday because that was the only day that I could do it, and that was that. I asked you to ask your guy friends if they could help me, since thats an area in which I seem to lack, and that’s the only thing I asked you to do for me. I asked my friends too, all of which said they could help me. Saturday came, and I went to your house around 4:30, and thats when you complained to me about Jenny basically asking you to do her whole entire English video for her when you weren’t even in her class, and you also told me you could only film until 6 because you had other plans. I still didn’t complain. Everyone else that said they would help me bailed on me, which you admitted was extremely shitty of them since they said they would and since it was the only day that I could do my project, so we called randoms until we found someone to help me and then we went to Starbucks. We started filming but you had to leave so you said you would help me when you were done with your other plans, which was fine. You texted me again at 8 saying you were almost home, but I was just sitting down to eat dinner with my family so I asked you if you could do me the small favor of texting Jack, Ryan, and Derek and asking them if they were ready to help me yet, to which you replied, “You can’t?” Um, excuse me? Was it REALLY too much to ask of you to text three people? Didn’t seem like such a big deal to me since you were always on your phone, but I just said whatever and texted them myself even though I was trying to sit down and have a meal with my family. You said, “I’m just tired of trying to organize stuff for people. It’s nothing personal. I’m just already texting people about the thing tomorrow so I don’t really want to talk to anyone else.” Okay, understandable. I texted all three of them, who were all at Jack’s moms house, and asked them to meet us at Starbucks. I FINALLY got them to agree to drive all the way over to our end of Simi, which you should know is a difficult thing to do considering how cheap our friends are, and you say “Can we just do this tomorrow. I’m not having a good night.” Oh, you mean after you just went out to dinner? Seems like a horrible night to me. You KNEW that day was the only day I could do it, and I even told you again, but you decided that you were “dealing with your own emotional crap and it was late. Sorry, but you weren’t doing it tonight.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. After I spent so much of my time helping you with yours, when I only needed you for an hour that night. When I had plans but I canceled them so you could get your project done, but you continued with your plans anyway. When I got you the boxing gloves that were a critical part of your video, and you wouldn’t even text three of our closest friends for me. When all I asked you to do in my video was sit in a chair and pretend to talk to whoever happened to be across the table from you, and Jenny needed you to film, direct, act, and write the fucking script for her video. I have no doubt in my mind that even after you bailed on me Saturday night, YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND, Sunday morning you still went and helped Jenny with her video. You have absolutely no right to call me a bitch. It’s not like I was making you help me without giving you anything in return. I spent an entire day on your project, and you couldn’t even spend two hours, at the most, on mine. YOU were the one not giving me anything in return, so don’t you ever say that I just expect you to do shit for me. You said that the way I talk to you doesn’t make you want to do shit for me, and you’re sick of my attitude. The only time I’m ever mean to you or talk to you in a descending way is when we’re joking around. I’m never intentionally mean to you, that’s not something that best friends do. And I NEVER give you attitude. I mean I’m sorry that Thor died, but if you think that my response to your Facebook status saying R.I.P. Thor blah blah blah being “WHAT thanks for telling me” was ‘attitude,’ then get the fuck over it. I had every right to be mad at you for not telling me, considering I am the “best friend in the world” that got him for you. And don’t give me that bullshit “I’m just trying to deal with all the emotions right now.” Oh yeah? It’s really noticeable considering you’re on Facebook, took the time to make that your status, and didn’t even bother to text me. You were on your phone anyway, how hard would it have been to shoot me a text saying “oh BTDubs Thor is dead.” Too hard, apparently. But you had no trouble telling others considering you cried in front of Jordan, which I would have had no problem with but you told me you found Thor after you got home from work, and when you told me the story there was no mentioning of Jordan’s presence. And when I replied to your text in which you called me a bitch, said I had attitude, and whatever other rude things you said asking you to give me an example of when I talk to you meanly or have attitude towards you, you didn’t even reply because you couldn’t think of a time when I ever did, and you knew that you were being ridiculous. I kind of figured you’d cool off, and eventually text me again. Maybe even at least refuse to help Jenny with her project as well. Nope. Instead you finished helping Jenny, who seemed to be the reason you were so pissed off in the first place. And not only did you help her with her project, which was for a class that you aren’t even in, you replaced me with her just like that. Like four fucking years down the drain. Like I never meant a thing to you. Like you were just “putting up with me” until the next best thing, Jenny, came along. You COMPLETELY screwed me over on my project, which I ended up having to restart filming since all the footage of you in it was useless. I had to miss school last minute just to get it done, and my grade suffered from it, too. Not to mention it looks like shit. But you don’t need to worry about that, because yours is awesome, and I’m sure you got 100% on it. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked, let alone even looked at each other. And then out of the blue you send me pictures. Really? We’re not doing this. I did absolutely nothing wrong to you so there’s no need for me to apologize, but I sure as hell think you have some apologizing to do.

P.S. It was “too late” for you to help me with my video that night at 9 p.m.? Too bad you were on Facebook when I got home at 12:30 in the morning.

Friend.

I want to be the kind of friend where you feel like you can tell me anything and everything. I want to be the kind of friend who you can call in the middle of the night because you just can’t wait until the morning to tell me something. I want to be the kind of friend that it’s okay to get in fights with once in a while, knowing you’ll make up the day after. I want to be the kind of friend that you cannot wait to see even though it has only been two hours since you last saw me. I want to be the kind of friend that you are the first to tell something really exciting to. I want to be the kind of friend you can never stay mad at because you’d miss me too much. I want to be the friend whose shoulder you want to cry on when you are sad.

I want to be this kind of friend to you, but you won’t let me. I need more than what you are giving me. I am not a person who just has a lot of friends, but rather I am a person who enjoys having a few really close friends. I really want you to be one of those friends that shares my life with me, but you aren’t there. I can’t keep letting myself get hurt and disappointed if that isn’t what you want too. So, I need you to make a decision. Really close friend or the friend next door. There is no in-between here. I see it in black and white. It is up to you.

Can you feel it?

The tension between us is building up. At first it was slow, but now it’s non stop. When was the last time we really hung out? Four, five weeks ago? What happened to my best friend who I saw every single day of summer? What happened to the closeness of our group? You’ve changed, and not in a good way. When was the last time you went a week without getting high? A day? I bet you can’t remember. I’m tired of you being “so fucking high” every time I see you. And it makes me feel sick how much of a bad influence your new best friend is. I guess the worst part about it is that you can’t even see what he’s turning you into. When was the last time we had a good conversation? Months ago. I can’t even look at you anymore. I mean, I understand that you enjoy being high, almost everyone these days does, but is it really so important to you that you need to ignore your true friends? The friends that actually care about you, the ones who aren’t just using you to get fucked up with? You have been nothing but rude to us lately. Short answers, attitude. What have we done to you to deserve this? We used to be so close, best fucking friends. Now we don’t even say hi when we pass each other at school. You probably don’t even realize that this is all happening. I don’t understand how you can one day be so happy to see me, and the next not even answer my phone calls. And even when you do answer my calls, what’s the point? You’re always with your new best friend, and you always end up hanging up on me anyway. I miss you, I really do. I just wish you had realized how good this friendship was before you ruined it. Can’t you see the person that you’ve turned into? Can’t you see the tension between us? Can’t you feel it?