Knowing Myself.

You ask me why I’m single, why a girl like me doesn’t have a boyfriend. Truth is I’m not looking, I have too many imperfections. I’m selfish, immature, a free spirit, and, honestly, an ugly person. You tell me I’m beautiful but you don’t know me, I have awful thoughts, am very judgemental and am a liar and two-faced a lot. I’m a people pleaser, I tell them what they want to hear, I go out of my way to make them happy. I’m insecure, I know I’m not beautiful and am a weird person, and although I’m ok with myself, I’m not ok with hearing you tell me that I’m something I’m not, it makes me think you’re just a liar, like me. Maybe that’s my problem, I assume people are just as bad as I am, that they lie to get what they want and nothing is really sincere anymore.

Either way, I’m very aware of these imperfections. And I know that to be in a relationship you need to be secure, to be confident, and honest. You need to love them the way they want to be loved and do things for them, even if it hurts you or is something you don’t want to do. And I’m not there yet. I can’t pretend to love someone and because I do care, I can’t allow someone to love me when I can’t give them anything in return. Maybe one day I’ll stop being selfish and afraid and open my heart to the right guy, but for now I’m single, single and content. I don’t hate myself, I just know myself.

He’s Just Not That Into You.

If he’s not calling you.
If he’s not texting you.
If he’s looking for other girls to date.
If he’s not taking you out on dates.
If he’s not asking you to be is girlfriend.

Then it’s because he doesn’t want to.

Even if he’s kissing you.
Even if he’s letting you sleep in his bed with him.
Even if he’s cuddling you at night.
Even if he gets jealous when you talk about other guys.

If he wanted to be with you, then he would be. But he’s not.

And he’s a fool.

Did you know?

Did you know that after you die, your hair keeps growing? And your nails? And when you sneeze your heart stops for a millisecond? Did you know that every time I kissed him all I saw was you? Cheetahs are the fastest land animals? And know every time you called I had to lock myself in the bathroom to stop myself from answering? And that the only thing I ever loved more than you was you loving me? But I guess I loved to hate myself more. Because every time I breathed without you, it burned me. And whenever I said anything I had to bite my tongue to stop saying your name. And hurting was easier, easier than saying you were wrong. You were never wrong. Well, you were wrong. Wrong to believe I stopped loving you and wrong to keep loving me. Did you know that after seven years all the cells in your body are different? And now there’s nothing left in me of the little girl you fell in love with. And you were wrong when you said I was beautiful, when you said I was perfect. Because when you love something, you have a weakness. Can’t be perfect if you’re weak. So I guess you were wrong about that, too.

Maybe…

Not Like the Movies.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of the fact that I’m alone. Every single close friend of mine is in a relationship, and all of them have the most amazing boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong, I like all of them and they’re all really great guys, but I want to slap every single one of them across the face for making me have these false hopes and expectations to be in a relationship like theirs, to have a boyfriend who will treat me like they treat my friends. I’m not new to being the only single one in the group, I’m sure that’s been the case for a long while now. But with the holidays that just passed and hearing about the beautiful Tiffany necklaces, spontaneous trips to Disney Land, and all the excitement and nervousness my friends got to experience trying to pick the perfect Christmas presents for their boyfriends is making me jealous as fuck. And don’t even get me started on New Years Eve. I was, once again, left to do nothing but awkwardly stand there as the ball dropped and wait for my annoyingly adorable couple friends to kiss each other and share yet another obnoxiously romantic experience together. All I want is for someone to hold my hand, to feel comfortable bringing me around his family, to kiss me just because he feels like it, and to surprise me with cute dates. But most of all I just want someone to want to be with me, is that too much to ask? Apparently.