Me: I think I’m gonna go to sleep now.
TV: lol but good shows are on.
iPod: Sleep? Is that a new app?
Sleeping position: lol I’m not gonna be comfortable.
Mind: What is the meaning of life, though?
Temperature: lol it’s too hot and too cold
Noises: Oh, you said be louder? Okay.
FUCK.
It’s been nearly 3 years now. I was just reading over my old journal entries from that time. Holy shit, that was an awful relationship. Two whole years of constant verbal abuse, self injury, and just down right bullshit. You made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the universe. You made me think I was worthless, that nothing mattered but making your ass happy. When I think about all the bad shit, I really want to just go to your shitty house and piss all over it. But I’m a grown up now, so I’ll just shrug my shoulders and continue with my life. As much nonsense and abuse as we had, we had a ridiculous love. We had a crazy passion. And that took up two very long years of my life. You know, I fucking hate you sometimes. But as much as I hate you for what you did, I still wish you well. I still find myself wondering what you’re up to, hoping you’re not still a disgusting man whore tricking girls into falling for you. But I’m sure you still are. I still dream about you, far more than I would ever admit to anyone. And in all those dreams, it’s the same thing. I go to you to become friends again, and we go off merrily to one of my friends’ house and hang out, and just have a really great time. I guess I feel bad for you. Because you never had good friends, and probably never will. Your life sucks, man. But I would never actually reach out to you, just because I feel bad for you. Because you’re a professional mind fucker, and I can’t have that in my life ever again. And because I am finally genuinely happy now. I am so grateful I had such a horrible experience with you. Yeah, I said that. Grateful for your shit. Why? I had hit rock bottom, and had no where to go but up. I have seen utter sorrow and pain, I have nearly ended my own life because of the unspeakable mental horror you put me through. I write this not to make anyone feel sorry for me, or even make you feel bad (not that you’ll ever read this anyway.) I write this to get this off my chest, and maybe to even give other people some hope. If you are in an abusive relationship, there is hope. My very existence is proof of that. I can’t think of any great advice to give to you, I just want you to know that there’s at least one girl, one woman, who has made it through an incredibly shitty relationship. And you will be alright. Eventually. And to you, the mother fucker who put me through it all, I say thank you for the hard lesson learned. And good luck with your sorry life. I do wish you could just be a decent man, and we could be friends. But I know you better than that. Hang in there, man. Maybe some of these dreams I have of your happiness will reach you, and come to life for you. Either way, I’m still happy. I have my whole amazing life ahead of me. Whether you are there in my bright future or not doesn’t really concern me anymore. No matter how much your memory haunts me, you have no hold over me anymore.
I have been unsuccessfully trying to change my blog address for at least a week now, and everyday I try it says, “check back in a few days.” Please, WordPress, define what your meaning of “a few days” is, because if it was up to my standards I’d be sittin’ pretty with a new blog address by now.
I’ve been sick for a while, longer than I can remember. It probably didn’t help that Saturday night was a night of drunkenly running around our chilly city going from party to party. My crazy ass friends and I danced with some cowboys and what looked like a basketball player and some supermen. Some costumes were absolutely ridiculous. There was an angry bird, a blunt, and a couple of slutty transvestite teachers. Everyone I met that night thought that I was my twenty three year old sister, which is cool I guess. After taking so many jello shots that I couldn’t even keep count, kissing all three of my best friends, and being hit on by every single guy who was at my party, I decided to crash out at 2:30 but lied awake in my bed for hours instead, waiting for the intense bass of our party music to stop shaking my walls.
I think I’ve hit somewhat of a plateau…but I’m doing alright.
I’ve been feeling drained, and unmotivated. Tired…and sick. I’m sure it’s a number of things, but mostly I think it’s because I know that it’s over for good – no matter what I thought it was or where it wasn’t going or the fact that i’ve managed to complete two giant circles in the same gosh freaking darn situation.
I’m so tired. I want to say that whatever happened or didn’t happen doesn’t affect me much at all, and that in the end I am tired and drained and unmotivated because I have November fever, and Thanksgiving is almost here, and the leaves are falling, and it’s too crisp and chilly outside now in the morning to want to take a leisurely walk with my little puppy Sampson…so now I turn him around in the middle of the road and he can’t understand why we can’t just go down all the way to the end of the street as we used to. There’s a Mexican restaurant around the corner and whenever my little puppy goes past it bouncing around like a baby, all the people in the restaurant stare. Sampson has no idea and frolicks by, and when a wind blows up a dried up leaf he gets super freaking excited and tries to catch it.
Sometimes, I just want to be him.
I am so sick. Sick of people, school, family, friends, life. What have I done to deserve everything that’s been dragging me down lately? For starters, I am currently lacking a best friend. We are both at fault for this, I’ll admit that, but we’re also both too hard-headed to do anything about it (or at least I am), which probably won’t be changing anytime soon. And then on top of that, I’m sick of the other really good friends that I have. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of them with my whole heart, but after repeatedly telling them how much of a shitty day I’ve been having and how pissed off I am, it would be the considerate thing to do to not make it worse. I understand that they were just messing around with me but there comes a point where it goes too far. I mean yeah, the first time they made fun of me was funny, but after the seventh, eighth, ninth time wouldn’t you think they could tell how it was affecting me? I don’t see how they couldn’t, considering I had other people coming up to me and asking me if I was okay. It just sucks when your closest friends don’t seem to care about your feelings. Second, my time of playing soccer is coming to an end with only a couple of weeks left until my last club game ever, which brings up two points. The first being about my coach. In all of the years that I’ve played soccer I’ve had many different coaches and team experiences, but this one has been my favorite by far. My coach was the best. Nice, funny, actually cared about us. There was a point when he would have done anything for each and every one of us, but now he’s gone. Complete and total abandonment after what, eight years of coaching this team? I know I’ve only been a part of the team for two of those years, but it was enough time to become a family. I know he thought of us as family as well, which is why I am at a loss for words as to why he would leave us with five games left in our last season ever. My teammates and I have lost so much respect for him, which is a shame. I think the saddest part about that is that just before he left, we were all talking about how much we loved him and what a great coach he’s been and how we wanted to get him a kickass present to show how much we appreciate all that he’s done for us. Now what? It will be interesting to see how things end between all of us when season is over. Next, my teammates. Like I said, we’re a family. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them, which Is probably foolish considering that after season ends I’ll probably never have contact with most of them ever again. Lately, the lack of effort has really been a letdown. I know that nobody wants to be there anymore, which I understand because I feel that way sometimes too, but when only six people show up to practice when you have a team of 15 girls, something isn’t right. We have three games left until the very end of our club soccer careers. Three. That’s only two more weeks until this is all over, would it really kill any of them to maybe show a little effort at practice? Maybe I just feel differently than all of them, but I definitely did not devote fourteen years of my life to soccer for it to end this way. I just wish the girls who don’t want to be there or don’t like soccer anymore would just suck it up for the next couple of weeks and do it for each other. After all this time, we deserve it from one another. It’s really frustrating when you seem to be one of the few people actually trying and taking practice seriously. Third, my parents need to get off my back. All they do is nag at me and complain about me. I’m so sick of hearing their voices. And tonight, when I was already in the worst mood possible, they decide to criticize me about my school work and grades. I have a fucking 4.0, what in the world do you have to complain about? Nothing. And when you attacked me with non-stop screaming and told me to get my shit together because I’m in “the bottom third of my class,” I wanted to slap you. Are you an idiot? It clearly states on my transcript, which is what you were going off of, that I am in the TOP third of my class. You have absolutely no right to tell me that I don’t put any effort into anything, especially when I get as good of grades as I do, was INVITED to be in the National Honors Society, and have been committed to soccer for fourteen years, play on a gold team, and made Varsity my sophomore year. That really shows no effort at all, huh? I have been so stressed out lately, it’s not fair. So stressed and frustrated that I had to pull over while driving home tonight because I couldn’t stop crying. I just wish I had something that I could punch the life out of, or at least someone to talk to.
I agree that this isn’t all your fault, but I still don’t understand why you didn’t treat Jenny the same way. It’s not fair that all of your built up anger was thrown at me when I wasn’t the person stressing you out and asking you to do shit for me. I’m sorry I wasn’t super sympathetic about your bunny, but like you said I guess I don’t know how to handle those situations, not like you’re comfortable coming to me about them anyway. But don’t be a hypocrite. My grandma, a living breathing human being who has been in my life for seventeen years, not two months, was in the hospital for over a month. How many times did you sympathize with me or ask me how she was doing? Zero. I’m sick of fighting, too, and I’d be more than happy to apologize to you if I had a legitimate reason, but I’d much rather be sincere and rude than apologetic and fake.
Just so you know, I am going to be complaining quite a bit throughout this post. I am going to write what’s on my mind as it comes to me, and I will not go back and edit or change anything. I’m sorry if this may seem rude or distasteful or if you think differently about anything that I might say, but this is MY side of the story, this is what I feel.
“Friends Forever”, it’s what we’ve always said. What we’ve always (for the most part) stuck to. And after all these years, after everything we’ve gone through, put up with, and got over together, THIS is what’s bringing us down? Let’s start at the beginning. Friday night, we saw a movie. Afterwards you told me you’d text me “early” so I could help you work on your project for video production the next day, and we parted ways. I was awake since at least seven a.m., and I sat around all morning waiting for you to text me and say that you were ready, which didn’t even end up happening until one in the afternoon. I wasted my entire morning waiting on you when I could have been doing things that actually benefitted me, but I didn’t complain. Not when I asked around to all my friends if they had boxing gloves you could use, not when you assumed you could use my camera, not when I had to cancel my plans that I had that day because you took longer than expected, not when I gave you some ideas on things that might look cool in your video, not when I went into public places where I knew people wearing that ridiculous outfit, not even when I stayed with you until like nine p.m. helping you with it. I NEVER complained, and your video ended up looking awesome. You promised to help me the following Saturday because that was the only day that I could do it, and that was that. I asked you to ask your guy friends if they could help me, since thats an area in which I seem to lack, and that’s the only thing I asked you to do for me. I asked my friends too, all of which said they could help me. Saturday came, and I went to your house around 4:30, and thats when you complained to me about Jenny basically asking you to do her whole entire English video for her when you weren’t even in her class, and you also told me you could only film until 6 because you had other plans. I still didn’t complain. Everyone else that said they would help me bailed on me, which you admitted was extremely shitty of them since they said they would and since it was the only day that I could do my project, so we called randoms until we found someone to help me and then we went to Starbucks. We started filming but you had to leave so you said you would help me when you were done with your other plans, which was fine. You texted me again at 8 saying you were almost home, but I was just sitting down to eat dinner with my family so I asked you if you could do me the small favor of texting Jack, Ryan, and Derek and asking them if they were ready to help me yet, to which you replied, “You can’t?” Um, excuse me? Was it REALLY too much to ask of you to text three people? Didn’t seem like such a big deal to me since you were always on your phone, but I just said whatever and texted them myself even though I was trying to sit down and have a meal with my family. You said, “I’m just tired of trying to organize stuff for people. It’s nothing personal. I’m just already texting people about the thing tomorrow so I don’t really want to talk to anyone else.” Okay, understandable. I texted all three of them, who were all at Jack’s moms house, and asked them to meet us at Starbucks. I FINALLY got them to agree to drive all the way over to our end of Simi, which you should know is a difficult thing to do considering how cheap our friends are, and you say “Can we just do this tomorrow. I’m not having a good night.” Oh, you mean after you just went out to dinner? Seems like a horrible night to me. You KNEW that day was the only day I could do it, and I even told you again, but you decided that you were “dealing with your own emotional crap and it was late. Sorry, but you weren’t doing it tonight.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. After I spent so much of my time helping you with yours, when I only needed you for an hour that night. When I had plans but I canceled them so you could get your project done, but you continued with your plans anyway. When I got you the boxing gloves that were a critical part of your video, and you wouldn’t even text three of our closest friends for me. When all I asked you to do in my video was sit in a chair and pretend to talk to whoever happened to be across the table from you, and Jenny needed you to film, direct, act, and write the fucking script for her video. I have no doubt in my mind that even after you bailed on me Saturday night, YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND, Sunday morning you still went and helped Jenny with her video. You have absolutely no right to call me a bitch. It’s not like I was making you help me without giving you anything in return. I spent an entire day on your project, and you couldn’t even spend two hours, at the most, on mine. YOU were the one not giving me anything in return, so don’t you ever say that I just expect you to do shit for me. You said that the way I talk to you doesn’t make you want to do shit for me, and you’re sick of my attitude. The only time I’m ever mean to you or talk to you in a descending way is when we’re joking around. I’m never intentionally mean to you, that’s not something that best friends do. And I NEVER give you attitude. I mean I’m sorry that Thor died, but if you think that my response to your Facebook status saying R.I.P. Thor blah blah blah being “WHAT thanks for telling me” was ‘attitude,’ then get the fuck over it. I had every right to be mad at you for not telling me, considering I am the “best friend in the world” that got him for you. And don’t give me that bullshit “I’m just trying to deal with all the emotions right now.” Oh yeah? It’s really noticeable considering you’re on Facebook, took the time to make that your status, and didn’t even bother to text me. You were on your phone anyway, how hard would it have been to shoot me a text saying “oh BTDubs Thor is dead.” Too hard, apparently. But you had no trouble telling others considering you cried in front of Jordan, which I would have had no problem with but you told me you found Thor after you got home from work, and when you told me the story there was no mentioning of Jordan’s presence. And when I replied to your text in which you called me a bitch, said I had attitude, and whatever other rude things you said asking you to give me an example of when I talk to you meanly or have attitude towards you, you didn’t even reply because you couldn’t think of a time when I ever did, and you knew that you were being ridiculous. I kind of figured you’d cool off, and eventually text me again. Maybe even at least refuse to help Jenny with her project as well. Nope. Instead you finished helping Jenny, who seemed to be the reason you were so pissed off in the first place. And not only did you help her with her project, which was for a class that you aren’t even in, you replaced me with her just like that. Like four fucking years down the drain. Like I never meant a thing to you. Like you were just “putting up with me” until the next best thing, Jenny, came along. You COMPLETELY screwed me over on my project, which I ended up having to restart filming since all the footage of you in it was useless. I had to miss school last minute just to get it done, and my grade suffered from it, too. Not to mention it looks like shit. But you don’t need to worry about that, because yours is awesome, and I’m sure you got 100% on it. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked, let alone even looked at each other. And then out of the blue you send me pictures. Really? We’re not doing this. I did absolutely nothing wrong to you so there’s no need for me to apologize, but I sure as hell think you have some apologizing to do.
P.S. It was “too late” for you to help me with my video that night at 9 p.m.? Too bad you were on Facebook when I got home at 12:30 in the morning.
The tension between us is building up. At first it was slow, but now it’s non stop. When was the last time we really hung out? Four, five weeks ago? What happened to my best friend who I saw every single day of summer? What happened to the closeness of our group? You’ve changed, and not in a good way. When was the last time you went a week without getting high? A day? I bet you can’t remember. I’m tired of you being “so fucking high” every time I see you. And it makes me feel sick how much of a bad influence your new best friend is. I guess the worst part about it is that you can’t even see what he’s turning you into. When was the last time we had a good conversation? Months ago. I can’t even look at you anymore. I mean, I understand that you enjoy being high, almost everyone these days does, but is it really so important to you that you need to ignore your true friends? The friends that actually care about you, the ones who aren’t just using you to get fucked up with? You have been nothing but rude to us lately. Short answers, attitude. What have we done to you to deserve this? We used to be so close, best fucking friends. Now we don’t even say hi when we pass each other at school. You probably don’t even realize that this is all happening. I don’t understand how you can one day be so happy to see me, and the next not even answer my phone calls. And even when you do answer my calls, what’s the point? You’re always with your new best friend, and you always end up hanging up on me anyway. I miss you, I really do. I just wish you had realized how good this friendship was before you ruined it. Can’t you see the person that you’ve turned into? Can’t you see the tension between us? Can’t you feel it?
Almost went to sleep but decided to get on the internet instead to innocently check my facebook/formspring/email one last time before passing out, but now I’m just mad so I will sacrifice a good nights sleep for some quality ranting.
First of all, it pisses me the FUCK off when people think that they know my life. And by people, I mean anonymous assholes who think they’re the sheezy on formspring. I don’t care if you decide to read my blog, in fact I encourage you to read my blog just for the satisfaction of knowing that I’m not just writing pointless shit that nobody will ever read. But if you’re going to read what I write and make dumb ass assumptions then do us all a favor and GTFO. “we all know you are in love with Dustin but hes dating Alanna and you will never get him.. just stop mmkay.” Oh really? We all know? Well apparently I was the LAST to know. Which brings me to another point, I will never get him? Pretty sure I HAD him last year. And I’m also pretty sure that if I was so fucking in loooooove with him I wouldn’t have dumped his ass. Why don’t you grow the fuck up and keep your ignorant mouth shut so you don’t have to go through the trouble of making yourself look dumb and wasting my time.
Second of all, I am so tired of hearing people say things like “before I met you I thought you were a bitch,” “you always look mad whenever I see you walking around, why don’t you ever smile,” “so-and-so said you gave them a dirty look,” and “if I didn’t know you I would be so afraid of you.” Are you serious? -________- Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a pretty fuckin’ rad girl. Maybe you would know that if you had been taught to (however cliche this may be) never judge a book by it’s cover. I’m shy. I know that, my friends know that, everybody in the world knows that. So I’m sorry if I don’t have a shit-ton of crap to say to you when we first meet, chances are I’m just trying not to make a bad impression and say something to make you think I’m weird, which I also am. I’m not being rude, I’m just scrambling to form thoughts to even begin to try to form sentences to say to you. And I can’t help the fact that I have Chronic Bitchface Syndrome, it’s just natural. I’m sorry that you always think I look pissed off or depressed when you see me walking around school, but I think it would be a little creepy if I was walking to class smiling and laughing to myself with no one around me. BITCHES GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES I’M NOT GIVING YOU A DIRTY LOOK THATS HOW MY MOTHA’FUCKIN FACE LOOKS. And GOOD. If you’re stupid enough to judge me before you even know a thing about me then I’m glad that you find me intimidating. Maybe if you would take a chance and talk to me for once you would realize that I’m probably one of the few genuinely nice people left in this world. I will always be nice to you until you give me a reason not to be, and sometimes I’ll even be nice then, too.
People need to get their facts straight before they try to make something out of a situation that doesn’t even exist.
I cannot believe how rude you are. Why do you have to ruin every good time we have with your bad attitude? We are on vacation. We didn’t come to Idaho for a week for it to be all about you, we came here to be with family. All you’ve done for the past six days is sit on your ass and sleep, ignoring everyone here. And even when you aren’t sleeping you still don’t have the decency and consideration to take those stupid earphones out of your ears so whenever anyone tries to talk to you, you can’t even hear them. You just might be one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met, definitely the biggest one in our whole family, and you have the nerve to call me self centered, egotistical, rude, and selfish. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that sitting shotgun in the car instead of the back seat made me such a princess. Who fucking cares? You seriously need to grow up, I have never met anyone more immature than you. And you’re 61 years old for fucks sake! You have no right to say that I’m a bitch, which is something that I constantly hear coming out of your mouth. Whenever I’m out running errands and I get candy or food on my way home I always make a point to get you something when I know you’ll be home when I get there, or at least call you to see if you want anything. Today, you went to the grocery store and got my sister Hot Tamales, my mom Junior Mints, my Grandma a chocolate bar, my uncle Good&Plentys, and yourself Snow Balls, all of your favorite treats. What did I, the only other person there, get? Nothing. Your reason? “You got gummy bears yesterday.” THE FUCK? I’m not even mad that you didn’t get me anything, I’m mad that you have the balls to call ME rude when you will get something for everyone in the family except for me because I had candy the day before. And you complain that I don’t help out enough? I’m sorry that I couldn’t take pictures of my grandma because I was too busy loading the dishwasher and sending pictures to Costco to put in a frame to surprise her with. I’m pretty sure you, along with every single other person in the room, know how to use a camera. But they all couldn’t be bothered to do it, could they? And especially not you, when you were obviously too busy sitting on your ass “sleeping” in the other room. I’m just your little fucking slave, and whenever I don’t do something right all you do is complain and spit profanities at me and tell me I’m lazy and not good enough. Lazy? At least I’m not the overweight one who falls asleep in front of the TV everyday. I really cannot stand anything about you. I wish you were as good of a father to me as to all three of my other siblings, but I guess being the youngest child just gives me the short end of the stick, doesn’t it?
